Coming Clean: Childhood, Sexual Assault, And Psychology Consultation

Hello everyone,

Today, I’ll come out clean. It’s never going to be easy but for the sake of those who are suffering, too, here it goes..

My Story

When I was young, I had the opportunity to experience REAL childhood. You know, play outside, talk to real people.

It was fun. I could remember myself playing, singing, and dancing. I got a loving mom, a father who works really hard for us.

Basically, it wasn't perfect but it's every child's dream.

Then... I was molested.

Not once, not twice. And the sad part is, it all happened at the comforts of our own home.

Then, things weren't like before.

Since I was still so young, probably in primary school, I have no idea that what happened was wrong. It was only until I was in high school when I realized that I’ve been assaulted and I felt disgusted with myself.

I tried to hide it, only tell it to a couple of people because I was scared and ashamed of the same time. For years, I acted like nothing happened.

But it was only until now that it hit me... really hard. I got nightmares and flashbacks and every time I remember it, I don't know what to do. But unlike before, I can share it with more and more people. It wasn't easy but I got comfortable doing it... almost. I mean, I still cry but it's nothing I feel ashamed about.

I know it wasn’t my fault anyway but I wish I could have done something. Sadly, turning the time back wasn’t possible. It’s haunting me over and over again and this time, it’s consuming me. I wanted to slit my wrist again last time (I used to do it a lot in high school) and that’s when I decided to seek help.

How Was The Consultation?

It was good. I was able to tell my story to someone but honestly, I don’t feel like it’s worth it. I mean, yes, she did help me realize things but to tell me that it’s something manageable. I don’t know about that.

I’m not the smartest person but I know that I am strong and wise and for me to still be suffering for a long time, I know there’s something really wrong that’s why I seek help. But hearing her say that it’s something I can work on and that to see her again is an option, that’s when I know she’s not worth my time and money.

I thought I’ll feel better after the consultation but I am starting to feel worse. I must admit, it did help me realize that I need to let go or move on but making me feel like my experiences were easy to forget, that’s something I don’t like. It’s been killing me for a very, very long time, almost put me on the edge of death.

Next Step

I’m having second thoughts about going to another psychologist because the first one did not leave a good impression. I think I’ll do my best to work it out on my own for now… or let myself snap again and only the good Lord knows what will happen next.

For now, all I know is that I’m trying my best to become positive. Since last September, my mood has been a rollercoaster and it has only been five days since I felt better and after the consultation, I don’t know if I’ll be able to feel better again.

As of the writing, I am palpitating, feeling a little bit lightheaded.

I don't know my next actions yet but if anyone who has been in the same place, please feel free to share your suggestions. Also, is it just me or is there anybody here who has visited a psychologist and felt the same thing? Do you have the same story and you need someone to listen? Don’t worry, I’m just a message away. 

Thank you for reading and let's stay strong!